the funniest conversation my life (to read first)

Ok,
that's the story of one of our consultant at the base. He does not represent the consultants we normally have, let's say his quite of a dumb man. He phoned my boss one morning saying he lost his pants, with wallet, money, cards and his passport, in Luanda, the day before the flight home. He said he went for a swim opposite the hotel and left his pants (with wallet and passport) on the beach while swimming, when coming back, it all disappeared. Knowing condition of hostelling in Luanda, getting people accommodated is complicated, so when one guy is doing this, it becomes a problem. Now, you might say it's not his fault... if it was anybody else it wouldn't have been annoying but this guy is a particular case. He's famous for trying stupid things with girls and trying to get away, which he doesn't. Let's say it was the one too much and for him that has become a ticket for a return only, no more coming back, which he learnt from me the day after. It seems tough, but looking at the way the consultant company is using us (and sending us underqualified staff over), we end up not having too much regret. I'd say it's the funniest conversation I did participate, and it's worth the publication. Sensible persons please do not go read the next threads, you might find me very rude afterwards... which I can be sometimes, like these times!!!! hahaha. Enjoy, that's tasty

the funniest conversation my life (actual conversation)

S: rich and i was about to go to the beach for a search untill two bakini clad ladies showed up at the pool here
Me: damn, where the fuck am I, ok then
S: listen you can only play bad cop with you got someone else to play the good cop. othere wise the perp will clam up
Me: (growly rogue voice) "I was just going out and had a quick swimm at the beach opposite the California"
S: take extra pants and lots of cash wiht your passport
Me: "when I came back my pants where all in sand, my papers went missing and I did not have my cards anymore"
Me: Let's create the "Tim's pants and missing passport support" group on facebook, he said he did not have money for Jo'burg
R: we created a pants search event already
Me: that's if he manage to go there
Me: where? where?
R: on Facebook, been up and running for an hour or more, lemme check and make sure you got invited
Me: that's why he looked smart today, wasn't his throusers
S: take a pic of him so we can add to the page
Me: shit, he doesn't want to speak to me anymore, I've been honest w/ him
R: your on the RSVP list
Me: and you know I have the tact of a frenchman
R: we are working on a picture to add
Me: k, lemme check if I have anything dummy
R: he has a plane ticket and can just sit in the airport in Joburg, is SLB gonna charge him an idiot tax for all this trouble?
Me: I'm in, sad A.'s off facebook
Me: yeah, he should B in US ambassy now, getting lectured
R: very sad, he would be lovin this
Me: did U pass the event on the guys in Soyo? cos they need to B involved
R: whoever was on my friends list
Me: even from far we need manpower
R: get it out to whoever I missed
Me: will do, F. too
S: need to call the riggs... lots of support out there as well
Me: ye, can we get helicopter coverage??
R: get A. in on the conference here, we need his input
Me: deffo, he's currently busy, seems like. Did J. fall off facebook? Has he ever been in?
S: dont think he was in
Me: mmmmmmmmm, him likin' chicks so much I don't get how he missed the opportunity. So U guys are gonna share the love around T. (The guy in question, the origin of this all)? he'll feel so happy
oilboy: lol ..
R: really wanna see him, tell him to come by the Fortaleza so we can show him some support, couple chicks by the pool tanning
oilboy: well I am sure he wont learn a lesson for this ..
R: he can lock his pants in my room if he wants
Me: found 22 on my list, well he ensured me he did, he's in his room watching movies AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL day
oilboy: he is like pablos dogs .. he hears pussy and his eyes gloss over
S: cant wait to here the story that he takes home
Me: I can try to look for him tonight, hide a microphone and save it on this event, that pussy must have been a catchy one
oilboy: well ... I am sure he has nothing nice to say about the locals .. hahah .. but how can one guy get robbed everytime he comes here
R: K., you are onto something
S: prime example of the ole "snatch and grab" technique
Me: yep, cannot find a pic
R: even the guy who spent one hitch lucking around Soyo has it all figured out
Me: might we go out, take a pic of wallet and p/p on the beach and post it?
O: yes had a friend pay 20 dollars for a blow job .. she dropped his pants snatched his wallet and left him standing in a alley with his pants down and a hard on
Me: poor J., that's not nice for him!!!
R: did anyone tell him to look wherever he keeps his PSP, phone, and the other cash he has had stolen so far?
O: I may have a pic of tim too
Me: that's the pinguin technique, I almost fell for that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
R: might find it there
O: lol, that blow job cost my buddy .. 2500, she cleaned his account
Me: at least
S: wow he came out nearly as bad as T...
Me: plus the lecturing @ the US ambassy
S: but he probably didnt have to become a angolan resident
B: he needs to watch the full monty.take your trousers off,but leave yer hat on !!!
C: hes just a fucking moron
O: well I am sure he has to explain that there .. those guys have heard it all I am sure
C: T. the tool man
R: make sure the whole true story gets to the Embassy ahead of him ahahaha
Me: (rogue voice) "I lmade a mistake and I learnt a lesson"
O: that would be funny ,... he walks in and they say hello tim
B: fuckin A 1 nugget, T. nice but dim
C: i can see the head line bald usless yank lost everything while swiming(with a local)
Me: shagging down the water mmmmmmmmm
O: thought he was gonna swim with the local
S: had a hard life... fell off a turnup truck... and they dont grow turnups in lousiaiana
R: he said that the day after the night he got drunk and caused a stir at the staff house with 2 girls in a row because he didnt get off and wasnt paying them
Me: but the b/friend nicked it all out
C: her dad did
Me: so that was him, or he fucked the dad down the water and the girl nicked the pants...
R: we had P. translate what the girls were saying and she said he didnt get off becuz he couldnt get it up
O: so did he have underwear to walk home in ... or just nicked the pants\
O: lost prime
Me: I did not want to get that precise with him
R: that was P's words
Me: the picturing in my head was rather... scary
O; P. said lost prime
S: lessons learned... always bring viagra
C: he was pumping bottoms up
Me: and an extra pair of pants, I think he's guay
S; decoy pants
Me: by looking at the g/f he spent 3000$ on
C: you can get the V from w ford cabinda
O: maybe spray on pants ... like you see in playboy .. that girls with their bikinis
Me: easier to pressurise up
B: she obviously didn't take american.i thought every one took it
R: decoy pants with fake wallet and passport
Me: but where can you put your wallet????
C: in you fucking room like your supossed to
R: in the decoy pans
C: what a TWAT
Me: hey, he did not know, and a lot of ppl got their p/p and wallet stolen
O: has checked his room yet .. you know T.. look where he thinks he lost it
Me: so that's why he figured out he could get it on the pants
S: keep the wallet with the fake $3k
Me: I think the p/p is under his bed
C: no no we need a face bok page fore his pants
Me: after he shagged that chick, the papers fell off his (decoy) pants
11/14/2008 10:55:53 AM cleslie7@hotmail.com richard hawe, Dave, Scott, papagaio face book page for his pants
C: so what schm saying
S: get him a passport n get him outa here i think
C: lol
Me: anything, but please away from us
C: is he getting back?
Me: well... would you have him back after some like that, especially when it is fucking obvious he's lying?
S: loosing him is would be like having southpark cancled... what we gonna do next for entertainment
R: he has been busted with the lying thing already
C: we have tony drodge coming in
R: apparently Ra. caught him playing PSP after he tried to expense $300 for having it stolen
C: lovely
Me: ups
S: you mean that wasnt his back up?
R: maybe it was
Me: (rogue voice)"that's not my PSP, that's Richard's!!!"
Me: na, it was a decoy PSP
R: maybe he went down the Best Buy in Soyo and bought another one
C: well he told lee it never got a new one\
S: he told me he bought it at the walmart next to the airport
C: he just a wank
Me: in Jo'burg right?
R: did you say To. was joining in the roast C.?
D: hey stop going so quick
S: funny, when he first came there he told me he was a offshore hand, he dont work on the yard... then i hear he dont work out there either?
R: glad you could join us D.
Me: D. hasn't stated the diesel engine yet ;)
D: tee hee
R: did you get the scoop yet D.?
Me: it was F's b/day yesterday apparently
D: no let me in on it was upstairs
Me: anyone to phone WK and cheer him up?
C: i said we have To. for fun now
R: Alex would you care to fill D. in on the conv?
Me: arfff
D: in english please
Me: (Rogue voice)"I was going to have a swimm on the beach"
C; right dave T. lost everything after being a twat in lunada
R: you tell it best as you have heard the first hand account
Me: (Rogue Voice)"and I left my pants on the beach to take the swimm, when I came back my pants were stolen, and my passport was in it, plus my credit cards and my money"
C: i wander if his psp was in his pants as well lol
D: oh dear
S: he first left his common since in louisiana befrore he came to work...
C: fuck did he have any
Me: (Rogue Voice)" I swear I wasn't trying to shag a bitch under water and I got nicked by the b/f like a prick I am"
B: did you ever have any S.
R: this aint a S. roast lol
Me: (Rogue Voice)"I made a mistake and now I have learnt a lesson"
R: stick to the topic Ben
S: yea but i keep in in the safe at work
D: kin hard lesson
Me: (Rogue voice)"Believe me now I'm sitting inside my room watching movies all day, I dont go out anymore"
B: meant he ever have any.sorry S.
S: i dont think he will have much use for a passport after he uses his new one to get home
Me: tuff love brothers. yeah, but what about the pants??? he needs his pants man!!!
R: if he has thee balls to return and face everyone as the laughing stock of Soyo he is more of a man than me
S: if there is a god in louisiana hes wife will take over wearing the pants in his home
Me: but is his wife a troll? I mean, is she that of a bitch? or an ugly cunt?
S: i think she must have lost a bet
Me: hahaha
R: lol
Me: now U get the bold guy, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not him!!!
Me: that programm blind date
C: i saw the photo of his wife in his wallet when he lost it the other night
O: posted my sighting of the pants on the dedicated website for the pants ...
C: she no looker
C: whats the web site
Me: mmmmmm
O: on the facebookk site
Me: so he thought it was the time of his life, tried to burn the candle from both side
C: what the address
Me: short candle
Me: you refused to accept the party bro
S: maybe we can sent message to the news channel in his home town to alert them to his plite... they can start up a campagne to raise money to fly him back!
O; LMAO, it would work ..
C: did i
Me: haha, unfortunately C. yes U did
C: oh well send it again
Me: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=94942780458
Me: gadda go too speak to U on the way back from the gally. might bump into some pants on my way

GFE

Ce weekend est important pour moi, puisse que je viens de clôturer le cycle de 3 ans, Donc ça y est, de faç6n officielle je suis GFE. Pour tous ceux qui ne sont pas de la boite, c'est juste une promotion, la vraie de vraie, c'est tout. Donc je ne vais pas trop m'attarder là dessus. Ce sera une ligne de plus sur mon CV, sur la fiche de paye un peu plus à la fin du mois et point. Plus je rentre dans cet univers plus je me sens petit. L'énergie est un molosse qui ne pourra pas mourir, qui n'en a d'ailleurs pas l'intérêt.
For the English reader, if ever one day there is one coming, I just completed something that is a fixed step training, that is normally 3 years and it took me a little less, so my boss are happy with me. For me it's not life changing, I'm just at last recognised for my work. But it's nice to have big bosses sitting with you and explaining you what the stakes are and how to get there. Plus they listen to you (or they fake they do), and you feel like solutions can arise for the problems you are facing (that remains strictly professional, I ain't getting my boss to fix my house, lets get real!!).

Promotions

Je commence une ligne importante dernièrement, celle de prouver à mes boss mes capacités d'ingénieurs. Quand on lit ça on se dit "mais il a pas été embauché pour être ingé??" Oui mais c'est pas suffisant, pas pour Schlum en tout cas. En fait je prépare une promotion (la 3e en 3 ans...)qui me promeut à "General Field Engineer". En fait je vais enfin arrêter d'être un poids pour eux et enfin commencer à faire rentrer les sous. Mon job dernièrement est de mettre tout prêt pour une campagne de stimulation de puits sur un champ de Chevron en Angola. Et ça va vous paraitre bête mais pour la première fois on va enfin utiliser nos propres produits, au lieu de stimuler avec les produits des autres. Et ça change tout, aussi au niveau politique, parce que qui dit pomper son propre produit dit aussi ouvrir son marché, gagner du poids et Chevron est plus pote de la concurrence, donc favorisaient les concurrents (je ne les citerait que lorsque j'aurais fini cette campagne, mais les habitués savent de qui je parle). On m'a même dit que toute la partie Europe Afrique de chez Schlum suivait l'histoire (dans mon segment seulement, c'est pas tout Schlum qui est sur les dents hahaha!!). Faire ça en Europe ne serait pas compliqué, là ou tout est plus difficile est que en Afrique, rien n'est simple. Les locaux sont tous des gens compliqués, et être autoritaire ne résout rien, sauf un hématome (pour moi, pas pour eux). Les ravitaillement en matériels sont difficile, dès qu'elle touche la logistique locale (voir pourquoi au dessus). Ajoutez à cela une corruption latente à tous les niveaux et le fait que l'Afrique attire un certain type de business men (les moins regardants, les plus orientés aux résultats), et vous dépensez trop d'énergie àdes choses inutiles et les pertes de temps sont colossales. Par contre on apprend à tout faire soi-même, à se sur-organiser pour pouvoir compenser le manque local (et pour moi ce peut-être le challenge). L'énorme avantage est la rotation, ainsi travailler comme un fou n'importe pas beaucoup, parce que tu sais que tu pars en vacances, mais sinon, Schlum à tendance à sur-occuper son personnel, au détriment de sa vie privée.
Pendant que j'y pense, les élections en Angola arrivent, et même si la tension n'est pas présente, je pense que je vais prendre mes précautions (liquidités entre autre). L'autre jour nous sommes allés dans la boite de Soyo, et vers les 3h en sortant, essayer de récupérer tout le monde s'est avéré un jeu dangereux. Ceux qui avaient trop bu se retrouvaient expulsés et évacuaient leur agressivité à l'extérieur. Moi je peux gérer, les tchatcher en portugais, en plus je bois pas des masse, mais les expats écossais en fin de soirée ils étaient bien grillés et j'aurais pas voulu qu'il leur arrive un truc, et on s'est retrouvé au milieu d'un festival de lancer de bouteilles vides, c'était limite. Comme ils boivent, ils deviennent beaucoup plus instinctifs, la manque d'éducation aide pas, les mecs en plus sont frustrés (beaucoup de prostituées qu'ils peuvent pas se payer, pas forcément toutes angolaises, ils sont très nationalistes/clanistes et un expat peux se les payer: beaucoup de facteurs). Bref pas top top, mais on s'en est sorti sans aucun problèmes. Mais bon si ceci est dans un climat calme, ça reste seulement autour de 3h du mat. Maintenant tu enlève la peur de l'armée et des forces de l'ordre, et là c'est la jungle... TIA (This Is Africa): J'ai jamais tant compris le sens de cette phrase que depuis que je bosse dans ce pays. Les colonisations n'ont jamais pu retirer cette partie instinctive, animale, naturelle qui est en eux. Cela vient peut être de leurs dialectes.... J'ai beaucoup de petites histoires, qui sont des observations courtes, qui prouve cet instinct qu'ils conservent. Le fait par exemple qu'ils ne veulent pas faire la queue, mais s'agglutiner devant une entrée. Ils se presseront les uns contre les autres, plutôt que de laisser de l'espace entre les gens (plus il y a de personnes dans un petit espace mieux c'est, si on veux caricaturer).... beaucoup d'histoires.

Le LCL

Bonjour à tous,
J'ai eu envie d'ouvrir un compte en banque en France, pour pouvoir balancer la chute du dollar un peu. Maintenant, je ne suis pas souvent là, mais je me suis dit que le LCL c'est bien (genre comme j'y étais déjà, c'est un peu de la valeur refuge), et donc me voilà partit pour ouvrir un compte. En Aout j'arrive enfin à trouver une banque ouverte le samedi sur Paris (recherche internet et tout le bordel), je vais là-bas et on finit par me dire que c ok, qu'on peux m'ouvrir un compte il suffit juste que j'ai une adresse en France (j'en fait faire une chez mon père rapidos). Là dessus je leur demande pour l'interphase internet et tout va bien dans le meilleur des monde, candesque!!! Là on va se marrer, parce que les gars ils ont pas l'accès à internet, donc pour les appeler, c'est les horaires de bureau LCL et si possible rien d'autre que du téléphone. Donc moi c'est dur, comme je ne fais que du net et que les lignes sont pas facile à avoir, même pour moi. Là c'est moins évident. J'arrive quand même à leur parler une fois. Mon interlocuteur (rice en fait) n'est pas là, en rendez vous, sortie fumer, étendre son linge... enfin pas mal d'excuses quoi. Je reviens pour Noël après avoir demander 22 fois à mon père de leur téléphoner (résultat identique), et là il me dit que mon interlocutrice a téléphoné pour me dire de me magner le cul et de poser 20 euros que ça va bien un compte vide ça fait désordre... on va de mieux en mieux. Moi j'essaie de les appeler, de passer les voir à Paris... non, sortie, en réunion, partie acheter du pain, laver ses petites culottes... bref je nage dans le bonheur. Tout ça pour en arriver à ce que le guichetier exaspéré par ma gueule de taliban en phase d'immolation par la poudre me file un RIB (enfin!!!!), donc du coup je peux virer mes 20 euros et elle sera contente (mon interl au cul triste). Mais bon je me dit que mon compte ils me l'on peux être bloqué, sait-on jamais, et je me dis que je vais pouvoir regarder mon compte one laïne pour voir quel est son état. Essais non fructifiant puisse qu'il faut des code d'accès (logique) que l'on t'envoie par courrier (foutage de gueule là...). Moi qui veux un compte pour expat je suis pas bien!! Je leur envois une demande mi figue mi raisin (pour la politesse quoi) en leur disant que c'est un peu chié pour une banque européenne de ne pas avoir de possibilité de converser par email si on veux prétendre satisfaire une populace d'expat qui comme cela se justifie garnissent mieux leurs comptes en banque que leurs pots de fleurs. Il m'envoient une réponse me disant que effectivement ça ne fait pas mais que je peux accéder par tel 24/7 à un agent pour que je lui pleure à l'épaule. Je m'exécute, mouchoir à la main, je digite joyeux, passe 25 minutes de boite automatique à redirection rapide (juré), et là, ils me disent "nous sommes ouverts du lundi au vendredi de 9h à 17h"........
C'est quoi le phone d'Axa please?